Last Tuesday, 1 month before our 4th anniversary, I had to put my wife in the mental hospital against her will for the second time. Bianca is a highly intelligent, gentle, sweet, giving, joyful person. But when her bipolar II flares up she's angry, mean, arrogant, and mischievous. I woke up at 5 a.m. and found her cutting phone chords and cables for the internet with a scissor because "I don't like that stuff there." This was after I'd already tried once to get police to take her in. They refused because she looked normal to them. They don't know her. How would they know normal for her? In any case, I worried she'd cut an electrical chord and start a fire or electrocute herself. So it was time.
This is the second time in two years I've had to commit her. Having to put someone you love in the hospital against their will, while they beg you not to, is the most painful experience ever. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I've done it three times, twice the first incident, once now. It took four of us to literally carry her to the car while she fought and screamed, then me to drive us 30 minutes to the hospital, again while she screamed and insulted us. It's weird to look in the face of the woman you love and see a stranger looking back at you. A stranger who looks just like her, has the same voice, but says things which sound nothing like her.
I try very hard to block those memories. Most of the time I can. I don't want to remember her this way. I prefer to remember her as the woman who blessed my life, the one I fell in love with. I'm pained by the memory of how much I took her for granted in the months preceding this relapse. I should have been her biggest cheerleader when she finally got to live her dream and go back to school to finish her degree. She was doing so well, making awesome grades, and she was working 30 hours and going to school 18. I was so wrapped up in my worries, I was lackluster in my enthusiasm, and I feel like such a jackass now. The times she wanted to cuddle and I was so busy with writing, I put it off and never got back to it. The times I didn't listen when she was so excited to tell me something mid-draft. I feel like such a loser. Here's the woman who chose me. After years of failed romances, after 37 years alone thinking I'd never find anyone, she chose me, and I was so unappreciative so much of the time.
When I went away to Rainforest Writers, my thought was that it would be good to have time away to refresh our relationship. The moment I arrived, I missed her and wished she was there. Little did I know that when I got home, I'd still be missing her, because I haven't seen the real Bianca since before I left.
The real Bianca is such a delight to be with. She is so enthusiastic, often seeing the world through a child's eyes. She's fascinated by people, places, language -- so many things I easily write off as ordinary. And through her observations, she helps me look at the world in new ways. It's a real help to me as a writer. And it's something about her I have always treasured. She's a great cook and a good housewife. She's thoughtful even when I'm not. Oh she has her faults, of course, but I have more. And the fact that she's always loved me and thinks I'm cute, handsome, wonderful always blows my mind.
I so wish it could be me and not her. I wish I was the one in the hospital. I wish it was me losing my job, dropping out mid-semester of my school, etc. If I could take her place in a moment, I so would, because I suffer so much for her. It breaks my heart every time I think about it. I am crying as I type this because I feel such despair, such hopelessness, and such fear that I will lose her, that this is it, that she'll never get through this. It's so hard to not get much information from the hospital due to privacy laws. Biance is in no condition to sign a waiver, so the hospital has to protect itself from lawsuits, even though I'm the husband. It's so difficult to see her struggling and not be able to protect her; to be made the bad guy in manic Bianca's eyes, when all I did I did to protect her and get her the help she so desperately needs. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. And it makes me determined to do all I can to build awareness and find support for developing a cure to all mental illness.
What a horrible thing it is to see someone with such skill and potential robbed of their life by such a horrible disease. To see them so destructive when they don't even know what they're doing. To see them resist the help they need when it's right there in front of them. I curse Satan and beg God to please help my wife. Give me back my lover, my best friend. I wish it was so easy. Every moment is agony as I'm forced to wait and see if things will ever be the same again. I have small hope in the fact that our marriage came back better than ever from the last time. I can only hope she'll feel that way and be ready to try again.
It's hard to know that this kind of thing will likely happen again--it's cyclical, so probably every two years. On the other hand, I've heard stories of people who take their meds and are stable the rest of their lives, so I hope that for her. And yet I fear days to come. If I get her back I intend to treasure every moment, and I hope I don't forget. I must never allow myself to be too busy to appreciate her. I must let her know how much she means to me, and I must remind her daily of that. Maybe the strength of my love will help her. I hope so. I know the strength of her love has helped me. And I know I feel so lost at the idea of going on without her. Sometimes you don't realize what you have in the throes of everydaydom. How sad and pathetic a trait is that in human beings? Why does it take a crisis like this to remind us how lucky we are?
I don't know the answer but I know I need to do better at fighting off that complacency and being appreciative. If only I get another chance. If only I get my Bianca back.
For what it's worth...